Sunday, June 26, 2005

The Friendly Skies



I'm sure some of you are going to be travelling to visit friends or family for the 4th of July weekend. The Fourth of July is a time of eating, drinking...and losing the occasional body part. Every year my family heads up to our cabin in northern Wisconsin to sit by the lake, drink, slap some mosquitos and watch the local fireworks. According to AAA, this is supposed to be the busiest 4th of July ever with an estimated 40 million people travelling. With all the planes, cars and buses around it will definitely be a busy weekend.

I've never been scared to get onto an airplane but flying is a necessary evil. The thought of having my life in someone else's hands kinda freaks me out. Especially when there are stories like this. I'm sure everyone thinks about all the what-if's before the plane lifts off the ground. Everytime I get on a plane I think about what I would do if something bad happened. I always come up with the conclusion that at 30,000 feet, me and everyone else on the plane would be fucked anyway. I know the lap belt won't help much if we go into a spiraling freefall.

I don't mean to knock air travel but there are some things I don't like about it. I can't stand the ridiculously small amount of room in the seat airline companies expect you to squeeze into. Who did they use to measure those seats, Happy, Sleepy or Bashful? I'm not that big and I feel crunched in. The asshole in front of me always puts their seat fully back right after lift off. When the flight is over, I'm walking like a baby calf. By now I'm convinced there is a FAA regulation that says a crying baby has to be on every flight.

With all that said, planes are a very convenient way to travel. You get where you need to go for relatively cheap and it's pretty fast. So wherever you go this holiday weekend, have fun. And if you are flying, keep an eye out for me. I'll be in a middle seat next to the blabber mouth with an irritable bladder and a 6-month infant.
*updated babes*

links
So they don't get the job?
That's a hell of a bust
Those dirty e-mails to Sean Connery was the tip-off
Marijuana flavored candy?
They obviously don't travel to go to the dentist

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

That stain won't come out

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Weird gets weirder

squirrely
I heard news today that Jennifer Wilbanks, the "Runaway Bride"'s kidnapping story will be made into a TV movie. Not only did the 32-year old bride-to-be land a movie deal, she also recieved $500,000 to write a book about her harrowing experience. She has a tell-all appearance on NBC sometime this week to talk about all this shit as well.

First of all I think the term "Runaway Bride" is very insulting. To Julia Roberts; that's just no way to treat an Oscar winner. To hit the nail on the head we have to come up with some new catch-phrases for Ms. Wilbanks. I thought up a few that I think work better: "Tractor-Beams", "Switch Hitter", "No Amiga de Juan" or simply "I'm Out of Pills".

If this lady is making millions off of being crazy maybe I need to rethink my life strategy. I wish I could make money off a story of how I was kidnapped, awoke in a garbage can, forced to smoke crank at knife-point and miraculously escaping using only bubble gum and a stapler. It would be about as believable as her Penthouse Forum-esque tale. Why do people these days get rewarded (and worse, media coverage) for being retarded? This lady is making a ton of dough for being crazy, faking a kidnapping, abandoning her family and wasting time and money devoted to finding her. I feel like this is bizarro world and the nutcases are in charge. Maybe I should start doing the opposite of everything I think is right, like George Costanza.

Anyways, I was thinking about who could play the real-life characters in the TV movie. Let me know if you agree:

Jennifer Wilbanks........Katey Sagal (i.e. "Peg Bundy")
John Mason (fiancee)....John Edwards
Hispanic kidnapper.......Cheech Marin
Female kidnapper........Roseanne
Bus Driver.................Pauly Shore

Well, there you have it. Ratings through the roof. Money will be in the bank and Mama Wilbanks can buy her all the medication she will need for the rest of her life. God Bless America.

links
Celebrity animal party for Bubbles? I love Jacko
He sure is "lucky"....
Just when you started to like the neighbors
Stupidest Ebay auction ever?
Celebrities Eating

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Back-street's Back...oh-no...

douchebags
The mega pop group of the late 1990's, The Backstreet Boys, announced the release of their newest album, "Never Gone". Yes, Backstreet is back. The "boys" that made every 12-year old girl in the USA throw her training bra onstage said they have changed their image. They are no longer the clean-cut, dancing, boy-band act they once were. Their new image is, "an adult, edgier sound that tilts more toward rock than pop." Ok that's great, but they're still gonna suck.

This comeback is not like Pink Floyd reuniting or Van Halen putting their differences aside to reunite for their fans. This comeback is not appreciated. No one wants this. Even if they entitled the new album, "We are Asstards" people would still hate them. Though it would be closer to the truth.

I really hope that this doesn't mean a resurgence of the trash these packaged pop bands from the late 90's spewed on the airwaves year after year. I never liked BSB just like I hated NKOTB back in the late 1980's. Backstreet represents everything bad about the music business. It's a marketing act, not a musical act. They are about making tons of money for record companies and themselves, not about making good music. What I think is funny is that BSB calls themselves "pioneers" of pop music. Dude, you guys don't play instruments. You couldn't perform without a track in the background and if you don't get what you want you throw tantrums like little babies.

The underlying story that I think is sad here is that this album will probably do pretty well. Their braindead fans will go to the mall to get their dose of soma. Sadly, it will also affirm to the world that this band is actually liked. And then it will be assured that they won't go away. Backstreet could be one reason why America is hated by people around the globe. Wherever the Backstreet is boys, please go back there. And for the sake of world peace, don't ever come back.

links
This proves the pussyness of the French
Something tells me an "A" is out of the question
Bears like great taste, not less filling
Ironic news story of the day

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Mr. And Mrs. Smith

beautiful people
I saw the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night. The movie that ruined a marriage and sparked the budding romance between stars Brad Pitt and Angleina Jolie. It is a tale of two normal people that get hitched but really are secret agents living under the same roof unbeknownst to one another. And all kinds of hilarity should ensue. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I wouldn't pay any money to see it again. Not that it has a moronic dialogue, a boring plot and a predictable ending..oh wait, yes it does. If you went to this movie you fall into one of three categories: 1) A guy wanting to see Angelina Jolie naked, 2) A girl wanting to see Brad Pitt naked or 3) None of the above, in which case I don't know why you went.

Angleina Jolie looks amazing in this movie and makes me wonder if she did get breast implants (I got into this argument after the movie). My vote is for yes, although I don't want to believe it. About the movie: there are some redeeming action scenes but that's about it. The dialogue ruins any scene that could potentially be good. These movies that try to mix action in with a romantic comedy never work; the dialogue is a mix between Tomb Raider-type stuff and the writers of Friends. So in the end the entire movie is kind of a stretch. If you really want to waste a couple hours or time is meaningless to you, go check it out. Otherwise wait until it comes out on Netflix or DVD. Or better yet, don't waste your time.

links
Cats piss on fax, burn down house. In other news, cats suck
At least they were Sour Cream & Onion
So the ice cream truck rumor is true..
The boss on 'McGyver' died yesterday

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

2005 NBA Finals

go pistons
They say defense wins championships. And we will see a lot of it coming up this week. Yes, we are in June and that means the 8 month NBA season is coming to an end. This year, the Finals pair the San Antonio Spurs from the Western Conference and last year's champs, the Detroit Pistons from the East. Both teams are defensive juggernauts and play a "team game" rather than emphasizing one particular star.

And that is why this will be one of the most boring Finals in memory.

I respect the teams for getting this far but the play of both is pretty ugly. There are a lot of loose balls, no prolific dunkers and hardly and fast-breaks. This will come down to a half-court battle involving a ton of rebounds and blocked shots. The most interesting matchups will be at the point and at power forward.

Detroit's PG and team captain, Chauncey Billups, has proven to be a solid, albeit injury-prone, player. He can spot up and drain the three and is great at finding good looks for his teammates. French-born Tony Parker, the Spurs' PG, is making a big name for himself in the playoffs. His play elevated the Spurs to sweep Phoenix in the Western Conference Finals. Both are great defensively and team players who should get everyone involved offensively.

Tim Duncan and Ben Wallace are known for their defense and horrid foul shooting. They both pound the ball in down low and are very active on the boards. Ben Wallace is not that much of an offensive threat but his defensive ability makes him a key player in this series. It will be interesting to see if he and the other Wallace boy, Rasheed, can contain Duncan down low.

With all that said, I think it will be a battle with Detroit coming out on top. Both teams have been in the Finals before and both have strong bench players, but Detroit has seemed like a team of destiny this season. Everyone counted them out last year and they swept L.A. 4-0 in the Finals. They overcame the melee with the Pacers earlier this season and played well even through the suspensions. Detroit is still hungry and looking to earn their respect and the top spot once again as champs of the NBA in 2005.
*babes updated*

links
I wonder if insurance covers this
Another good reason to quit smoking
Pothead mayhem! Viva Tyler Durden!
Cop pulls over his own stolen car

Whoa

BOSTON - On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States.

The following day, a gruesome scene was discovered in Despres' hometown of Minto, New Brunswick: The decapitated body of a 74-year-old country musician named Frederick Fulton was found on Fulton's kitchen floor. His head was in a pillowcase under a kitchen table. His common-law wife was discovered stabbed to death in a bedroom.

Despres, 22, immediately became a suspect because of a history of violence between him and his neighbors, and he was arrested April 27 after police in Massachusetts saw him wandering down a highway in a sweat shirt with red and brown stains. He is now in jail in Massachusetts on murder charges, awaiting an extradition hearing next month.

At a time when the United States is tightening its borders, how could a man toting what appeared to be a bloody chain saw be allowed into the country?

Bill Anthony, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection, said the Canada-born Despres could not be detained because he is a naturalized U.S. citizen and was not wanted on any criminal charges on the day in question.

Anthony said Despres was questioned for two hours before he was released. During that time, he said, customs agents employed "every conceivable method" to check for warrants or see if Despres had broken any laws in trying to re-enter the country.

"Nobody asked us to detain him," Anthony said. "Being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up. ... We are governed by laws and regulations, and he did not violate any regulations."

Anthony conceded it "sounds stupid" that a man wielding what appeared to be a bloody chain saw could not be detained. But he added: "Our people don't have a crime lab up there. They can't look at a chain saw and decide if it's blood or rust or red paint."

Sgt. Gary Cameron of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police would not comment on whether it was, in fact, blood on the chain saw.

On the same day Despres crossed the border, he was due in a Canadian court to be sentenced on charges he assaulted and threatened to kill Fulton's son-in-law, Frederick Mowat, last August.

Mowat told police Despres had been bothering his father-in-law for the past month. When Mowat confronted him, Despres allegedly pulled a knife, pointed it at Mowat's chest and said he was "going to get you all."

Police believe the dispute between the neighbors boiled over in the early-morning hours of April 24, when Despres allegedly broke into Fulton's home and stabbed to death the musician and 70-year-old Veronica Decarie.

Fulton's daughter found her father's body two days later. His car was later found in a gravel pit on a highway leading to the U.S. border. Despres hitchhiked to the border crossing.

After the bodies were found on the afternoon of April 26, police set up roadblocks and sent out a bulletin that identified Despres as a "person of interest" in the slayings, according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

The bulletin caught the eye of a Quincy police dispatcher because it gave the suspect's Massachusetts driver's license number, missing a character. The dispatcher plugged in numbers and letters until she found a last known address for Despres in Mattapoisett. She alerted police in that town, and an officer quickly spotted Despres.

In state court the next day, Despres told a judge that he is affiliated with NASA and was on his way to a Marine Corps base in Kansas at the time of his arrest.

After the case was transferred to federal court, Despres' attorney, Michael Andrews, questioned whether his client is mentally competent.

Fulton's friends in Minto, a village of 2,700 people, told the New Brunswick Telegraph-Journal that he was a popular musician, a guitarist known as the "Chet Atkins of Minto" and a 2001 inductee in the Minto Country Music Wall of Fame.

Here's a picture of the kid:


Kill anybody? This guy? Get outta here.. What would give you that idea?
Holy Moses is this dude creepy. Someone get this guy some Valium! How could anybody pick him up hitchhiking? Wouldn't the bloody chainsaw or sword be a reason not to let him in your car? Insane. It reminds me of that scene in Something About Mary when Ben Stiller picks up the crazy serial killer guy.

By the way Sling Blade called, he wants his hair back.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Moonwalking or Prison Pop?

ignorance
Time hangs in the balance for Michael Jackson while the 12 jury members deliberate this week to decide his fate. Guilt or innocence? The Gloved One has been charged with 10 felony counts facing a possible 20 years in the clink. The trial has been a mini-OJ production, lasting 14 weeks and involving over 130 witnesses. Here are some interesting facts about the trial.

Trial by numbers
8 women and four men on the jury
10 counts on indictment sheet
13 age of accuser Gavin Arvizo when the molestation allegedly happened in 2003
14 weeks of hearings
20 years maximum sentence if Michael Jackson is found guilty of all charges
65 days of testimony
98 pages of instructions from Judge Rodney Melville to the jury
130 witnesses
600 items of evidence
$152 000 settlement won by Arvizo family in 2000 lawsuit against JC Penney department store for maltreatment by a security guard
$2,000,000 settlement agreed with mother of Jason Francia in 1996
$23,000,000 reportedly agreed as out-of-court settlement with Jordy Chandler in 1993
$270,000,000 estimated debts owed by Jackson in 2003

links
Louisiana slowly sinking
That's a hell of a sammich
Accounting top degree of 2005 college grads

Saturday, June 04, 2005

"Running barefoot on grass...."


I just read an article about Nike's newest running shoe, the Free 5.0. It poses an interesting idea about running and how running shoes should be made. The Free is not designed to cushion or stablize but to make it feel like you are "running barefoot on grass." Unlike most running shoes, it doesn't claim to cushion or comfort the feet but instead helps to strengthen ankle muscles. Nike claims that there are small muscles in the foot that get unused and atrophy in standard running shoes. Nike recommends walking around the house in the Free for the first two to three weeks to get used to them and then ramping up mileage to 3-5 miles/day after breaking them in for a couple weeks.

I have never been a big fan of the "one shoe fits all" theory of Nike and Reebok. I'm no Al Bundy but it seems these days most people go for shoes that look good but don't necessarily feel good. To me that is just stupid. Have you ever heard of Temperpedic shoes? Temperpedic is a soft, cushiony material that conforms to your feet after a few wearings (as Ace Ventura would say, "liiike a glove"). They make slippers you can buy at stores like Brookstone or Bloomingdales. I never understood why there isn't a running shoe made from Temperpedic. It would be like strapping a little pillow to your foot and running around. Does it get any better than that?

I think I will try on the Nike Free 5.0's at the store but I doubt I will buy a pair. I think it is a good concept and will probably work out for many runners. BTW, it's just my opinion but if you're gonna market a shoe with the name "Free", shouldn't it be a little cheaper than $85 a pair? Damn false advertising...

links
I need a cheeseburger...for a cop
I bet the half-marathoners were just as angry
Grandma and grandpa buss a cap in yo azz
And to think, I'd given $4,301 for her soul...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Big Booty Ho's and the Little Monster...

Tyson
The new dog.

Sorry for the lapse in updates. I've been pretty busy lately trying to set up interviews for jobs and having my family in town over Memorial Day weekend. It was their first trip to Miami since my move here. Unfortunately I didn't know Memorial Day weekend is also Urban Beach Week down here. Urban Beach Week is a huge party thrown by hip-hop moguls like Puff Daddy and Russell Simmons and featured many popular rap artists. It was mayhem everywhere. 350,000 tourists flooded Miami Beach (and my parents' hotel) and made traffic and moving around really difficult. Stuck in traffic, it took me an hour to move ten blocks. There were people smoking blunts on the street, yelling in the hotel at night, people sleeping on the beach, used condoms strewn about and a LOT of exposed buttcheeks. In other words, my parents will not visit Miami again in a very long time.

In other news, I have a new addition to my house. A new dog! He is a two year old Boston Terrier. It is my roomate's girlfriend's dog and will be down here indefinitely. Even though he destroyed one of my pillows his first day here, I still like him. It's nice to have a dog around. I took him for a really long walk tonight and now he's laying down next to my feet. And he just farted. Oh man, I take it all back.
*new babes*

links
How to quit coffee
Very bad thing, Christian
This is not how you get people to leave your house
And you thought a roach problem was bad
I wonder what was under the couch cushions
The Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th & 20th century